Friday, April 19, 2013
Since we've been back and even before we left really I've done a lot of questioning God. Why did I think this is what He wanted us to do ? Why did we sell everything? Am I just that stupid ? Why did I do this ? Just dealing with a lot of anger in general. Not understanding at all. Then the other day a friend said something that finally gave me peace. I was telling her how I was feeling like a failure and just really didn't understand God now. I feel some days like I am farther away from him than before all of this started. She she said God calls us to sell everything we own and give it to the poor and you did that. You proved to him that you were willing to do that and you accomplished everything you were called to do in just obeying him in that. It made me look at everything in a totally different way. Though i still have a lot of questions and am working on some things, I finally feel like I am on the road to "healing" from everything. I miss my kids so much, and I find myself throughout the day wondering what they are doing and figuring out what time it is there so I can think about what they might be doing now. Right now it's around 5 in the morning and they will be starting their day soon. Elias would be coming running up to me with the biggest smile and wanting me to pick him up and hug on him. Celine and Caren would be yelling Mommy and saying Good Morning !! (one of the few things in English they would say ) The 3 girls would also be crying about the fact that we put on a shirt or shoes they didn't want. The boys would be running around being loud and trying to escape from me putting on their shoes and jackets. I miss those moments, and I can't wait until Heaven where all of us can be together again !